Shrine

One word: Nebraska.

Down with angels or to be down with angels

I’m not a big angel fan.

The whole concept annoys me. Enough things in life depend on connections and name-dropping. Then you have to know all the right dead people, too? And why is it angels intercede always on behalf of middle-class white people? Why do I not hear of any angel stories out of the Congo?

I do not believe in angels. They violate my sense of fairness and, uh, I dunno, monotheism?

But some dead people do seem to have a special presence. Even if it’s an invention of our own hope, it’s still worth stumbling upon.

You can read about one of them in this week’s column.

Previous columns

Bjorn is my imaginary friend (And personal trainer)

No more peak barfing (The lowdown on getting high)

New England is our bitch (Peep dem leaves)

How to pee in the woods (Pants to the knee, people)

Of severed heads (McConkie Ranch ‘glyphs)

The crazy-stupid line (Cliff-jumping Causey)

Sitting in the water during a lightning storm (Kayaking the Green)

My tragic Perseid poop out of 2009 (Stargazing by the light of the moon)

White Pine Lake: Doodie stops here (Backpacking through the pain)

Vrr-RROOOOMMMM, pussayhs! (Camping culture shock)

Retching for a view (Mount Raymond)

Lead a snot into temptation

Video blogging attempt. Thoughts on divine intervention, free will and snots who never had a prayer.

And frogs.

I look like a tard. Expect a speedy return to print.

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Previous post: You and your worldly hotness

The Sunday News: Seriously, what?

The Salt Lake Herald, 21 June 1907, p. 10

From Utah Digital Newspapers.

Actively crucifying Jesus

On this Good Friday, I am reminded of a struggle. Of the best intentions gone awry. Of the epic battle between good and nimcompoopery.

Back in the day, I worked for a smaller newspaper that had very specific writing guidelines. The cardinal rule: Never, ever use the passive voice.

If you’ve forgotten your English lessons, the passive voice is when the subject of the sentence is being acted on rather than performing the action. “The chair was sat on by him,” is passive. “He sat on the chair” is not. The first sentence of this post, for example, is passive.

Usually the passive voice is hard to read, unmusical and indirect. Reporters especially don’t want to take attention away from whoever is responsible for the news. Last week in Iowa, no one wrote, “Gay marriage has been legalized.” People want to know who made the decision. “The state supreme court legalized gay marriage.”

But we don’t always know — or care — who performed an action. This no-passives rule forced a lot of amazing sentences to began with nouns that were utterly lame. We could not say, “The 25-pound stash of cocaine was wrapped in prophylactics.” We’d have to say, “Someone wrapped the 25-pound stash of cocaine in prophylactics.” We could not say, “The fugitive’s body was found at the bottom of the river.” We’d have to say, “Crews found the fugitive’s body at the bottom of the river.”

Crews accomplished a lot of verbs for that newspaper. They estimated fire damage. They extricated motorists from wrecked cars. They completed construction by October.

Anyway, some years ago I was writing a story about the commercialization of Easter. It was ready Good Friday afternoon, with colorful pictures and everything. Then an editor noted that some readers may not know what Easter means in Christianity, and could I make an info box with a summary of the crucifixion?

Okaaaaay. I pored over the gospels and compared the facts in each account. I managed to write around inconsistencies like the time span from death to resurrection and the number of women who found his tomb empty.

But what of the crucifixion? I couldn’t say, “Jesus was crucified.” That’s passive. I’d have to say who crucified Jesus. The Romans? In one gospel, Pilate hands him over to some priests. In another, the crowd takes him away. There always are some soldiers, but they could be riot control for all I know.

“Say ‘officials,’” my coworkers advised. “Or ‘authorities.’”

“Does that still sound like the Romans?”

“How about ‘someone?’”

“’Someone crucified Jesus?’ I can‘t put that in the paper.”

Five reporters were huddled around my desk at that point.

Finally, inspiration.

“Say ‘crews,’ did it,” one suggested.

Crews crucified Jesus.

Thus saith the Lord.