New Thing #10: End of a drought

For some reason, I forget to drink water out here on the edge of the desert.

That’s partly because I don’t feel hot and sticky very often. In the Midwest, sweating was my cue to drink. We don’t sweat much here in Utah. Also, water makes my stomach urpy. I might choke down two glasses per day if I don’t feel super thirsty.

I need to be more deliberate about staying hydrated.

So yesterday, for the first time ever, I drank an entire gallon of water in a single day. I’m going to commit to drinking at least 3 quarts a day.

That’s all I have to say about the matter, as peeing now takes up most of the time I might have spent blogging.

New Thing #9: Mushing with support

On doctor’s orders, I spent $400 last week on orthotic insoles for back relief.

Suck.

But they got an auspicious maiden voyage yesterday: Salt Lake City Urban Iditarod 2010!

Urban Iditarods occur in several cities around the time of the real Iditarod. Teams of up to 8 runners dress up in costumes and decorate shopping carts to their chosen themes. There is a race route with five legs, each one ending at a different bar. The course is a few miles long, but teams usually start falling apart at the first taco stand.

This was my third Iditarod. I still haven’t finished an entire race with my cart.

Yesterday my friends and I dressed up as garbage and ran with a cart decorated as a Dumpster.

Our other friends dressed up as garbage men and decorated their cart as a Wasted Management truck.

Our competitors included:

Team Elvis

Team Snuggie

Team Miss Conception

Team Pirates

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints

Team ’80s Barnyard Animals?

Team Golden Girls

Team Love Boat

Team Shower

Team Camelot

and the Church of Bad Habits

Team Trashed performed well even though my orthotic supports took up so much of my tennies that I could barely lace them up, and our driver fell on his face about 10 yards into the race. Apart from that (and one tragic pants-pooping that did not involve anyone I know), a good time was had by all.

New Thing #8: Speechless

For yesterday’s New Thing, I decided to go 24 hours without talking. Midnight to midnight. No words.

Yeah.

Anyone who has met me knows that ain’t gonna happen.

I talk more than any 10 people I know. When no people are around, I talk to my pets. When they’re not around, I talk to myself.

There was no way to approach this New Thing with any hope of perfection. A couple of words were going to slip out.

I realized that at 12:36 a.m., when my first word slipped out.

Rather than throw the idea away, I promised myself a penalty. For every word I uttered Friday, I would have to donate a dollar to the Society of Professional Journalists’ legal fund. What better way to punish speech than to protect the First Amendment?

I was up to $35 by noon.

Things actually started out well. Said Guy really picked up the reigns for our breakfast conversation. I should let that happen more often. Then he left for work, calling up an “I love you.” I chased him down the stairs, frantically waving “I love you” in sign language.

“Are you giving me the Sign of the Beast?”

An hour later, everything fell apart. I couldn’t get my car out of the snow in time to make a chiropractor’s appointment, so I had to call and push it back. That cost me $29 in words. More than my copay.

But I did get through the appointment in silence. I also successfully ran voiceless errands to the dry cleaner and to my office. I carried around a little notebook with an explanation on the front page. At night, Said Guy took me to a play that was basically about how boring  people become when they are professional writers. It was probably good that I couldn’t talk after that play.

Apart from the one phone conversation, here were my mistakes:

• “Goodnight, Rosie.” (Rosie is the dog)
• “Dammit, Atticus.” (Atticus is the cat)
• “Rosie!”
• “Hello, big boy.” (To Atticus)
• “Dammit, Atticus.”
• “Are you going–”
• “Dammit, Atticus.”
• “Dammit, Atticus.”
• “Atticus!”
• “I’m not sleeping on this bullshit pillow anymore.”**

In all, $57 for freedom of expression.

*Technically there were 6 months or so when I could not speak. So this will be the first time I’ve tried to go a day without speaking when I could choose to speak.

**This I blurted out at 11:50 p.m. after I’d gone to sleep. I woke up and thought it was after midnight.

New Thing #7: Old Fashioned, please.

Now that I have to measure every TV show against The Wire, it’s hard to start watching new ones.

Don’t get me wrong, I really like The Sopranos, Weeds, Big Love, Deadwood, The Office. Hell, I’m not above watching a Friends rerun.

But when a TV show is as hyped as Mad Men, all I can think is, “It’s not The Wire.”

Not until last night did I see my first episode.

I made an Old Fashioned to celebrate. That’s how hyped Mad Men is: I know the main character’s drink before I know what he looks like.

Sorry, no fruit.

Well, now that I’ve seen him, I gotta say: I’ll be watching more Mad Men.

You probably already know it’s about sleazeball advertising in the 60s. As such, I’m guessing it will join the teduim of obligatorily “risque” not-TV television, in which most of the edge comes from some shadowy culture and characters who don’t really develop from episode to episode but just stay amoral or whatever to the point that it’s mostly schtick.

At least the dialogue is good.

I’ve only seen one episode, so I really can’t tell yet whether the show is ever going to stretch my first impressions.

But I’ll keep watching, for sure. The cocktails are just so pretty.

New Thing #6: Bonsai!

Early Wednesday morning … I sprouted my first bonsai tree! Let not my dorkish plant obsession dilute the piss and vinegar in your day unless you have succeeded in germinating anything from seed. It’s a big deal.

For Valentine’s Day, Said Guy gave me a Miniature Morning Dawn Redwood Forest he bought at Trifecta, an awesome gift and flower shop in SLC. No kidding, coworkers actually hung around my desk to admire the flower arrangements he’s sent to me from Trifecta, and the response, rather than “Awww!” was “WOW.” I’m sooo not picky about flowers (in an attempt to be cool, I bought a bunch of carnations at a junior high dance and ate them), and even I could tell that their flowers were awesome. If you want to seem like a discerning dude, buy your flowers and presents here (and tell Lindsay and Pam that Erin said hi).

Anyway, the bonzai kit came from their gift shop, and it’s made by Potting Shed Creations, of Troy, Idaho. According to the description, the Morning Dawn Redwood was only known as a fossil until a Chinese botanist rediscovered it in the 1940s.

I’m so excited for it to grow up! I’ve got more than 40 plants (I know, I know), but no bonsais and nothing that was previously thought to be extinct.

Yay for green sprouts and Chinese botanists!