If I ever get married, it’s blue jeans at the courthouse

So, remember how I was all committed to fit into the beautiful dress that I am to wear to a fancy dance on Saturday?

Yeah, scrap that.

After starving myself since Sunday, doing stupid vacuum poses in my sleep, hiking my ass off and worrying my chunky waist to a sad little line, Aunt Flo and her attendant bloating have conspired to undo all my best efforts.

Also, it’s safe to say there will be no hanky panky this weekend. Y’all can cancel the chaperone.

The boyfriend learned yesterday that my dress would arrive Friday morning. So I’m freaking out trying to find a last-minute tailor because, despite having the uterine powers of 10 Amazon armies, I run a stingy A-minus peep show up top. If I can possibly squeeze my beer bajord into the bodice, I’m gonna have to figure something out for the not-so-perky girls. But I’m also supposed to get my stupid hair colored and find shoes on Friday, and who really has time for it all?

Trying to become a princess when beneath it all I’m a disgusting, bloody mess feels like a total waste. Just thinking about the salon fatigues me. Any other time I’d be psyched. To get dolled up and go out may be just normal fun for other people, but for me it’s like a second Halloween.

Now I don’t even want to go.

All I can think about is exciting stuff that’s been lessened by the evil gusher. I began a trip to Morocco — my first big, scary trip by myself — sitting in a puddle of blood on the bus to Casablanca. I had to buy all new clothes at Essaouira. In high school, I played a piano concerto with a local orchestra. It was a really big deal for me, and I practiced for months, but come curtain time was I thinking about kicking Mendelssohn’s ass? No. I was worrying whether there was a stain on my dress.

And really, you haven’t known humiliation until you’ve dug a hole in a rice paddy and changed tampons in full view of a farmer and his water buffalo.

So, fine. I’m not saying I’d undo Morocco or Mendelssohn or biking in China even with Big Red. Those remain some of my funnest memories.

But Jesus, can I catch a break? I have spent a full third of the past year on the rag. Every time I start to enjoy a daydream — going on an extended backpacking trip or traveling to Mexico for the first time or anything else that would involve a lot of planning and money and high expectations — I factor in the period and just stop thinking about it.

I don’t want to look forward to any more things only to feel this frustrated.

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Booo | Erin Alberty | November 19, 2009 9:00 am

19 Comments

By Becky, November 19, 2009 @ 11:40 am

Girlfriend! One word. IUD! No periods for FIVE BEAUTIFUL YEARS! I highly recommend.

[Reply]
Erin Alberty Reply:
November 19th, 2009 at 12:03 pm

Do you do that? Everything I’ve read about it indicates that it makes periods worse.

[Reply]
Becky Reply:
November 20th, 2009 at 8:57 am
Well, sorry if this is TMI, but I just got mine in last month. My first period was pretty miserable but the doc says it will eventually go away completely. My cousin has one and hasn’t had a period in years! Here’s hoping!

[Reply]
Apryl Reply:
November 26th, 2009 at 9:37 am
Hmm…could I clarify this a bit for you girls? There are a couple dif IUD’s out there: basically a hormone releasing one and a copper one. The hormone one often does stop a period (hormones are like that, turning things on, turning things off). The copper one however (the one I happen to have) doesn’t really stop the period as I keep getting one like clockwork every month. I’ve had mine for about 3 1/2 years and it hasn’t really made them worse either. I cannot use the wonderful hormone one as I have an allergy to certain metals (something the manufacturer warns against). So yeah, just fyi. Anyhoo…you might find the diva cup to be rather helpful instead of nasty tampons. Also fish oil supplements do great for suppressing pain and bloating. :)
By Kim, November 19, 2009 @ 12:11 pm

Or you could go on a continuous pill. I’ve been on one for about four years now. And you don’t have to go with one particular brand. Just have your doc write the script as “continuous” so you get extra refills. My doc says there is no medical reason to have “the visit” at all, but if you feel weird about it you can go off the pills for a week or so every three months, get it done with and move on. After your body has adjusted you can even shift when it happens by deciding when to go to the week of sugar pills. LOVE it!

[Reply]
Erin Reply:
November 20th, 2009 at 10:06 am

That’s what I’ve been trying (this month, too). I’ve tried 4 different pills so far this year, plus the ring. It doesn’t stop the mess, but the mess does drag on as long as I stay on each one. The literature all says to power thru – I powered thru 2 months on the ring and had a 2-month period. TWO MONTHS CONSTANT. Now I give it 2-3 weeks to stop before I go off any given pill. At that point, there’s another week of fun. My uterus is smarter than medical researchers.

[Reply]
Kim Reply:
November 20th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
That totally sucks! Hope you find something that works. Too bad they can’t just scoop it out and store it until you’re ready to use it.

[Reply]
By Julianne, November 19, 2009 @ 2:08 pm

Lisa DeFrance
801.792.1506
Best seamstress around.

[Reply]
By Sra, November 20, 2009 @ 4:51 pm

That’s why god created taking one pill pack right after the other and skipping the placebo week. I haven’t had a period all semester. No time for that shit in law school.

[Reply]
Erin Alberty Reply:
November 21st, 2009 at 9:12 am

Yeah, I’ve been trying that all year. Been through 4 types of pill and the ring. My body’s only response is to keep perioding for weeks, until I finally give up and then have a don’t-dare-sleep-too-long calibre revisiting of the beloved aunt. I’m looking into iud and deciding whether I’m willing to risk the cash.

[Reply]
By kel, November 20, 2009 @ 7:42 pm

So, um, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to laugh about the time I wasn’t able to change my tampon and it leaked all over my white pants….in front of my middle school students.

[Reply]
Erin Alberty Reply:
November 21st, 2009 at 9:08 am

Seriously, it’s traumatizing!

[Reply]
By pins, November 21, 2009 @ 6:37 am

I hear you on it all, I hate aunt flo for that very reason, and I always have continued break though bleeding while on the pill! But I love the patches, jus don’t skip a wk in between and jus keep going…..have been 2 and half years! And only had aunt flo once, cuz I was sick! Good luck to you

[Reply]
By pins, November 21, 2009 @ 11:50 am

I’m sorry, I totally know what your going through! If you swap emails we can share ideas!

[Reply]
By rassles, November 23, 2009 @ 11:38 am

Sometimes being a fucking lady makes me want to kill myself. The only thing making it better is the fact that calling it my “lady time” makes people super uncomfortable. Love it.

[Reply]
By anon, November 23, 2009 @ 3:27 pm

I know of a surefire way to stop it for at least 9 months at a time.

[Reply]
By pins, November 23, 2009 @ 8:17 pm

When it comes to aunt flo, it was truely a curse of devil,to have them.ya! Its good to get pregnant and all but who wants to spend 99% pregnant!

[Reply]
By T, November 24, 2009 @ 1:35 pm

UTI. Two years, one initial period, and I love love love life. One of the best things that has ever been done for womankind!!! Or at least active women who don’t like periods.

[Reply]
By Apryl, November 26, 2009 @ 9:41 am

wonderfully ranty raggy post. love your writing. added you to my blogroll with glee :)

[Reply]