Hope beyond a click

So, I dated this guy in Michigan for like three years. A fellow reporter. We lived together, had pets together, edited each other’s work.

Then we went to France on vacation, had a great time and broke up when we got back.

I can’t say I regret those years, because I learned something.

To click is not enough.

This guy, Motown, was a lot like me. We both liked riding bikes in bad neighborhoods, going to 3-hour Baptist church just for the music, keeping the piano out of tune. We wanted foster kids one day. We made friends with dysfunctional people and gave them money when they asked for it. We liked the same stuff, thought the same way, ended most sentences in unison.

Not enough.

Here, all this time I’d been thinking the hard part was finding the perfect person. Someone who clicked.

No way. The hard part was next: Putting up with his awfulnesses and asking him to put up with mine. He hated my messiness. I hated his pickiness. He hated that I talk too much. I hated that he’d shut down around talkative people. I was unforgiving, he was unapologetic. I guess we mistook not cheating on each other for “commitment,” because we weren’t prepared to cope with anything else either.

After three years, we each had more than enough artillery to drown out the click.

That occurred to me when we were at Centre Pompidou.

There were three prominently-displayed “paintings” of nothing. In a row. We fell over laughing at them. Motown wanted to wait around until he could take a picture of someone examining these non-paintings like the Emperor’s New Clothes.

Sure, I said. Let’s make fun of some French people while we’re here.

So we milled around and pretended to look at art while casing the joint for a worthy victim.

And we got annoyed with each other. About what, I don’t even remember. It happened all the time. I only know he sighed, “Heeeere we go” just as I was thinking, Heeeere we go.

Then the world’s most photogenic art connoisseur sauntered up to the blank canvasses.

Click.

2064666632_ecb92eaec2

It was perfect. Hilarious. Complete. Perfect.

But I couldn’t hear it.

Something changed in France. We had such a good trip. The only thing that was less than perfect was how we were with each other (and Motown’s ravaging lactose intolerance). Even when all was right, neither of us could be trusted to throw the other a bone.

We weren’t ever going to commit.

After we broke up, I freaked out. Who else would click? Who else would share my sense of uncomfortable adventure? Who else would wait a half hour in a museum for the perfect picture?

Since then, I’ve realized that other people do click, just in different ways. And some of those people are willing to meet you halfway on the awfulnesses. And that makes you willing to meet them.

I wish I had known that when I felt so bad about Motown. But at least I found out how drastically I’d underestimated the patience and effort it takes to have a hope beyond the click.

Post in response to this tweet by @Lampwik.

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travel | Erin Alberty | November 9, 2009 12:26 pm

26 Comments

By Garrett, November 9, 2009 @ 12:53 pm

If I went to that museum I’d have waited five minutes for the photo, given up, then grabbed a Sharpie and written “THE BEATLES” in the lower right-hand corner. Your way worked better.

[Reply]
Garrett Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Upon review, I should have said “on the right side, halfway up.” But the point stands.

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Theresa Reply:
November 11th, 2009 at 8:46 am
hahaha that is so defacing property!

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Garrett Reply:
November 11th, 2009 at 10:04 am
Would they rush in a team of restoration experts, or run to the French equivalent of Sherwin-Williams and slap another coat on it?

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By soul-fusion, November 9, 2009 @ 1:06 pm

that photo is really great! And I love the post – especially the last line. Don’t you love how clarity always comes so long after the fact?

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By SoMi's Nilsa, November 9, 2009 @ 1:24 pm

First, that photo is priceless. I love, love LOVE it.

Oh and it’s a brilliantly written post – really wonderful. Thanks!

Here’s another something to think about. When you find the one, it’s not always about meeting halfway. Sometimes you have to be willing to go 110% in their direction. And there will be times with your mate will be expected to come 150% in your direction. Because if we always expect to be met halfway, we might be left waiting.

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Erin Alberty Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 2:04 pm

Oh, yeah, you’re totally right. I guess when I say “meet halfway” I mean I just assume the give and take is fair in the grand scheme. Like, you exchange huge credit in good faith rather than keeping a bitchy little balance sheet. With Motown, our balance sheets were inflexible and threatening: “I put up with that crap from you so you better put up with this crap from me.” That’s not even putting up with crap!

(In his defense and mine, neither of us is an asshole. We just didn’t know to treat each other as generously as “perfect” couples should. Ya live, ya learn.)

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By SKM, November 9, 2009 @ 1:28 pm

I’m so freakin’ glad I’m married, even if I miss eating macaroni and cheese straight from the saucepan.

But yeah – your post resonated with me for so many reasons. Love it, love it, love it. :)

[Reply]
RCM Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
I’d still accept you if you did that (not that it’s an invitation)…

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By Wenderina, November 9, 2009 @ 2:38 pm

Ok – why does being married preclude eating mac n cheese right from the pot – you just need two spoons…but anyway, great post. I’ve been married 20 years and we definitely have to do give and take every hour of every day. And every night when I curl up against him I know it is totally worth it.

[Reply]
Erin Alberty Reply:
February 3rd, 2010 at 2:43 am

Isn’t that the best part of every single day?

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By rassles, November 9, 2009 @ 3:16 pm

I understand this post, I think. But I really just don’t get it. I’m not trying to be argumentative, but I’ve never had a boyfriend…and I guess that I feel like ALL relationships need to be about compromise and all that business. That’s my biggest hurdle in comprehending stuff like this – I mean, don’t family and friends require the same amount of effort?

[Reply]
rassles Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
Other than that, though, I completely agree – I meet people I should be friends with because we like the same things. But in the end, communication fails. Some people I just don’t want be around for no reason other than “just cuz.”

[Reply]
Erin Alberty Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 3:43 pm

Ya, I agree compromise is necessary for everyone. And maybe a romantic thing that’s just starting out doesn’t require more compromise than any friendship. But Motown and I lived together. We were spending as much time together as people spend with their nuclear families. And we’d chosen that arrangement (in contrast to families we were born into).

With friends, I can just hang out less when I get annoyed or I’m not in the mood to be patient or be less annoying myself. But Motown and I had given up the freedom to back away from each others’ offensiveness. It’s just a lot of togetherness to deal with when you could choose not to. I guess we kinda chose not to.

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By jodi m, November 9, 2009 @ 3:18 pm

I love it. And I agree. There are a lot of people we can click with. It’s that clutching, grasping fear that we won’t ever find it again that ruins things sometimes.

[Reply]
By Jerilyn, November 9, 2009 @ 3:43 pm

You talk too much?

[Reply]
Erin Alberty Reply:
February 3rd, 2010 at 2:47 am

Yeah, can you BELIEVE anyone ever said that about me?!

By the way, * little chihuahua yapping away happily … *

:-)

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By secret agent woman, November 9, 2009 @ 7:15 pm

The “clikc” is necessary but not sufficient. I guess ultimately you have to know what you need and what are deal-breakersa are.

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By Tara, November 9, 2009 @ 9:30 pm

Man…I’m just waiting to click with somebody… ;)

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By Sra, November 10, 2009 @ 12:30 am

That’s a great picture. Not only is the subject great, but you just have an eye for composition in general.

Sometimes people click as friends but mistake it for romance.

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Erin Alberty Reply:
November 11th, 2009 at 3:54 pm

Oh, Motown took the pic. I only provided moral support.

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By Cha Cha, November 10, 2009 @ 10:10 am

Perhaps the Pompidou is cursed. It was there, on a similar trip with my own personal Motown, that I realized he was innately selfish and cruel. No kidding.

Your photo? Brilliant.

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By Sid, November 11, 2009 @ 1:57 am

Loved this post. Been thinking about something similar. About this guy friend I once had. We spoke to each other everyday. He laughed at everything I said. Treated me well. It could have been perfect. But … I guess in the end I was annoyed with him for never taking chances. He’d dream of doing things but always came up with excuses for never following through.

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By Theresa, November 11, 2009 @ 8:48 am

I love this post. I completely understand the feeling about clicking with a person and I’m pretty sure I had my own Motown. I just wish I could find the click again.

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By Marie, November 14, 2009 @ 5:06 am

Just had a startling thought, what if my hubby and I are mid-click. Sometimes I just want to punch him in the face for just being himself. I wonder if that’s why they say til death do us part. Perhaps it should read til one of you offs the other

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