A few moments with attention deficit disorder

Red lights and stimulants

This is what happens at a red light when you have ADD.

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You sit there and chug your Diet Pepsi and watch your every thought fade to ellipses: I need to pick up my dress at the dry … what time does the concert … the post office is always busiest after … did I remember to bring the dog’s … ? You suddenly realize that you don’t actually need another Diet Pepsi — you just forgot to pop your Adderall that morning.

So you leave the open, half-empty bottle of soda between your knees and reach into your purse for the pill bottle. As you twist off the lid and take a capsule, you decide to put the Diet Pepsi cap back on the open soda before you spill. You’re so busy congratulating yourself for your situational awareness and spill prevention that you put the soda cap on the open pill bottle instead of the open Diet Pepsi. It slips inside the pill bottle and gets stuck. You flip the pill bottle upside down and tap the cap out. A month’s supply of Adderall follows, scattering all over the car.

That’s when the light turns green.

The Diet Pepsi remains open as you pull forward. Your new priority is keeping the Adderall away from the dog in the backseat. You hang onto the dog’s collar over your head while you search for a turnoff. You stop and use your free hand to scoop up capsules, but the Diet Pepsi tips over, and now you have a small river sweeping pills to the backseat.

The soda cap is never seen or heard from again.

You dam the river and recover the capsules. Then you sit there, replaying the previous 40 seconds in your mind and pondering an unanswerable question:

Did I ever swallow the pill that was in my hand when the light was red?

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Booo, Why I am a dinkus, health | Erin Alberty | July 19, 2009 3:21 pm

9 Comments

By catherine, July 19, 2009 @ 3:40 pm

i solemnly swear that i’m laughing *with* you, not at you.

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By Mom, July 19, 2009 @ 3:46 pm

Oh erin…this is my life too! Sorry the DNA gave you situational troubles. You do describe the plight mighty well.

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By Dale Kemp, July 19, 2009 @ 4:55 pm

Oh my gosh, I laughed so hard that the neighbors are probably wondering what was so funny.

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By Susan Mercedes, July 19, 2009 @ 6:23 pm

So did you take another Addera… Did your dog snatch a pil… I just said snatch. I hate Diet Pepsi.

I love the hysterical post. It is the perfect length for my attention span, which is the same as a bumble bee.

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By Sra, July 19, 2009 @ 8:28 pm

Love the second person narration in this.

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By mongoliangirl, July 19, 2009 @ 11:02 pm

Jeezuh. I think you just described my life. Minus the Aderall. Which makes me think I should have some.

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By soul-fusion, July 20, 2009 @ 11:50 am

hilarious!

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By Bellacantare, July 20, 2009 @ 2:18 pm

That was fantastic. um…Obviously not for you; but that you shared it so well.

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By Garrett, July 21, 2009 @ 4:03 am

If you’re going to screw up, you may as well do it in the most entertaining way possible.

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