Spicy food snobbery | Poor Penmanship

You and your worldly hotness

I’m done with people who think they’re sooo great because they like spicy food.

If you’ve ever asked, “You think this is hot?” and then said something like “pffft,” you pretty much suck. If that was followed by any mention of “sheltered,” “bland” or “Amehhhricans,” you are a poser and a lame ass.

First of all, food doesn’t have to be “spicy” OR “bland.” There are other flavors. You might notice them if you weren’t so busy looking for an excuse to call yourself awesome.

And what exactly makes you awesome? You like spicy food. How very sophisticated. How very exotic. How very impressive. It’s almost as impressive as liking summer better than winter.

Believe it or not, some of us don’t want our food to hurt us. We may be perfectly adventurous and open-minded. We may have tried some seriously weird foods and finally decided that the sheep brains and the fish eyes and the goddamn lizards actually tasted better without blinding pain.

I used to run with this dude who always ordered our food extra spicy just so he could call me boring when I’d start to cry. “So blah,” he’d sigh. “So Midwestern.”

Then one day he phoned me up, all sad because he chopped a chili and then went number one before washing his hands.

I’m still pretty happy about that.

Share this post

Booo, culture, food | Erin Alberty | June 30, 2009 4:42 pm

16 Comments

By Garrett, June 30, 2009 @ 4:53 pm

Not at all what I expected the rant to be about when I clicked on it, but still pretty great.

I love Mexican food, but anything spicier than Taco Bell and I look like a dew-covered tomato.

[Reply]
By Garrett, June 30, 2009 @ 4:54 pm

Oh crap, it’s too late to vary sentence structure.

[Reply]
By Dena, June 30, 2009 @ 7:09 pm

Ha! This made me giggle.

[Reply]
By JebRo, June 30, 2009 @ 7:55 pm

AGREED! I like a little spice in my food where appropriate, but at the point that it numbs my mouth to where I can’t taste the real flavor? That’s when it stops. Well, before then, but you know what I mean.

[Reply]
By dmarks, June 30, 2009 @ 8:08 pm

“Hot” can wipe out any flavor.

[Reply]
By heidikins, June 30, 2009 @ 8:50 pm

Hahahaha, the story about Mr. Spicy Parts is hilarious–love!

Also, I’m not a huge fan of hot or spicy, except for mustard or horseradish, but I see those as garnish, not entree, ya know? Big difference.

xox

[Reply]
By Erin Alberty, June 30, 2009 @ 9:01 pm

Heidi – The funny thing is that I LOVE strong mustard and such. When I get sushi, my soy sauce is practically greyish green from the wasabi. But that is so instantaneous. It’s not still burning me an hour later.

[Reply]
By Mongoliangirl, June 30, 2009 @ 10:07 pm

You posted my every thought when it comes to my silly brother. He used to make the hottest dishes possible and then tell everyone they were lame for not being able to stand them.
Dumb fuck brother.

[Reply]
By Bellacantare, July 1, 2009 @ 9:06 am

AAhhhhahahahahaha

[Reply]
By Sra, July 1, 2009 @ 11:49 am

Yeah. I don’t mind spice, but one’s sensitivity to spice is so personal. What is spicy to one person might be completely mild to another. Also, tolerance for spice can be built up, but that doesn’t mean people who can swallow hot hot peppers without beading sweat or crying are any better than anyone else. Get a hobby, bitches. I like that you point out that there is more to flavor than spicy or bland. True.

[Reply]
By Gwen, July 1, 2009 @ 12:03 pm

I hate those kind of people too. Since when does a persons palate indicate superiority? Just because I don’t want my mouth to feel like an active volcano doesn’t mean I have an unsophisticated palate. People get that way about things like sushi too. I like sushi, but I’ve noticed some people get all uppity when someone says they won’t eat raw fish. Big deal.

[Reply]
By rassles, July 1, 2009 @ 1:20 pm

Whatever, I totally eat jalapenos for breakfast and because of it I’m better than you, and stronger and faster too.

Seriously, though, I do find it odd when people think things are too hot, and I totally make fun of them for it. I’m that asshole that puts hot sauce in chicken noodle soup.

Sooooo good.

[Reply]
By Mom, July 1, 2009 @ 3:19 pm

I stay clear of hot spicy stuff. I friend gave me a platter of jalapino peppers. I boiled them up on the grill to use as rabbit repellant in my garden. After spraying my roses, the neighbors walking by all were rubbing their eyes and sniffling. The rabbits were sad.

[Reply]
By HereInFranklin, July 3, 2009 @ 12:34 pm

Put me firmly in the hot camp. I sprinkle fresh jalapeno on all kinds of stuff. I almost cried when Whole Foods quit carrying my fave little pickled peppers. I keep Tobasco in my purse in case of a hot sauce emergency. But I would never think of you as a candy-ass sissy. Really, I wouldn’t. :)

[Reply]
By soul-fusion, July 6, 2009 @ 3:38 pm

oops, this reminds me of a bratty moment with my family this last weekend. The mexican restaurant I chose was closed on the 4th and since we were in two cars we made a quick new plan in the parking lot. My dad chose his favorite place and I griped the whole way there about how bland and tasteless it was and was irritating enough to point out that they used store bought chips when we arrived. I really was a brat about it (and my chicken taco tasted like boiled chicken with lettuce in a tortilla). BUT I do not think I am normally condescending about people not tolerating hot and/or spicy just because I love it. I just like my food with flavor, it doesn’t have to be hot or spicy, just any flavor but blah.

[Reply]