Down with bikini-readiness | Poor Penmanship

Bikini preparedness

There used to be a torture method called “horning the fox,” in which a hot poker was rammed up the victim’s butthole.

That’s what should happen to whoever invented the term “bikini-ready.”

Unless you are prepared to specify the body mass index that separates bikini-readiness from bikini-unreadiness, just shut up. Shut the fuck up, and check out this gut:

That’s the gut of a 124-pound woman. Yessir, that’s my bikini-ready gut.

And you know what? I think anyone who weighs in the “normal” range and blathers on about being fat owes it to the world to expose the offending blob. Make a video of your supposed arm flops and lard ass and beer bajord and put it on YouTube. Let’s see you jiggle in all your compliment-fishing fraudulence. Otherwise I have to assume you’re calling me fat behind my back, and I’m running out of parking lots to fight in.

Oh, and you guys.

You fucking guys.

I’m talking to the guys who gasped in horror when a cheerleader in my high school lifted her shirt and pinched an inch of her abdomen to show how “fat” she was. The guy who congratulated our famously-anorexic college classmate on her weight loss. The guy who pointed to a picture of an old friend and said, “She was so hot. Then her legs got kinda big, and that was pretty disappointing.” The guy who went to Bonnaroo and marveled at the bellies on otherwise skinny girls in tank tops. The guys who complained about Serena Williams’ shoulders.

Fuck. You.

Yeah.

Now I’m feeling good and bikini-ready.

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culture, health, looking "good" | Erin Alberty | June 9, 2009 8:30 am

21 Comments

By Garrett, June 9, 2009 @ 8:46 am

Pfft. My gut beats your gut. I’m overmass by .1. Damn Christmas weight overstaying its welcome.

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By SKM, June 9, 2009 @ 8:49 am

You are a sexy monkey Alberty! OK – not sure about the monkey part, but rock your gut!

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By Garrett, June 9, 2009 @ 8:50 am

(And yes, I know about the pernicious double standards regarding weight. Still, a fuller face doesn’t mesh well with the beady Gilbert Gottfried eyes.)

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By Summer, June 9, 2009 @ 9:04 am

That. Is. Awesome. Way to put it out there!

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By mongoliangirl, June 9, 2009 @ 9:30 am

My friends are convinced I go to the gym. Why? My ass is out of control, my gut pokes out over my jeans. Makes no sense.
But I realize it’s because I have man arms from scooping horse shit and dragging thousand pound animals all over creation every day.
Man arms, an out of control ass, and a pokey gut. I am SO bikini ready that it’s not even funny.

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By Sornie, June 9, 2009 @ 10:00 am

I am avoiding all things shirtless this summer unless I can get rid of my developing man boobs.

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By catherine, June 9, 2009 @ 10:07 am

We have identical BMIs. Go Team Normal!

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By rassles, June 9, 2009 @ 10:56 am

I’ve never worn a bikini, and I never will. Guys have terrified me to the point of tears with their bullshit criticisms – and that’s of girls that aren’t me.

They’re just fucking cruel.

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By Sra, June 9, 2009 @ 2:10 pm

It’s true, guys are way less forgiving of our bodies than we are of theirs. I just wish the standard of beauty was still Venus in a halfshell. Then I’d be SOOOO bikini ready.

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By Melanie, June 9, 2009 @ 5:15 pm

After winning a horrid battle with Anorexia, where I did irreparable damage to my heart…I would like to second the motion of telling those guys “fuck you”.
I am now proud of my body, regardless of the douche bags who would mock my Botticelli physique.I have a halter top style tankini with a french cut bikini bottom and I am unashamed.
My husband thinks I am hot. That works for me.

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By Becky, June 9, 2009 @ 5:47 pm

Ha! You go girl :) AND I’m also good and Iowa white!!! Why? Cause I live in IOWA and it’s cold during the winter…so I’m not donning any sort of swimwear in MARCH!!!

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By Ryan, June 10, 2009 @ 5:16 am

Does this mean that I don’t have to wax my back this year?

I sympathize with your concerns. I don’t particularly care about the “hot or not” type of discussions. Also, some of the attention paid toward Susan Boyle must surely be due to the fact that her beautiful voice belied her otherwise dowdy appearance.

I was about to comment about a woman inappropriately wearing a fake coconut string bikini, but it reminded me of the show “What Not To Wear.” I like how it coaches people who try to wear clothing that don’t favor their natural and otherwise beautiful bodies (like a 40-year-old mother trying to wear her teenage daughter’s clothes).

On the other hand, is the show trying to dissuade people from wearing clothes that they’re comfortable in but don’t have the best appearance? This fashion thing is tough. I can tell you that I would never wear a Speedo, but I wouldn’t necessarily want to be judged for doing so.

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By Jessica K., June 10, 2009 @ 10:35 am

I weigh [a number I wish not to disclose] pounds more than you, Erin, and I love my 2-piecers. You know why? I don’t want golden-brown arms and legs with a lily-white gut. And you know what else? It all smooths out when you’re laying on a lounge chair anyway. The trick is using a long straw to drink your margarita so that you don’t have to scrunch up your gut when you sit up to drink. If this crazy rain ever stops, you should come lay by my pool with me. I’ll show you how it works.

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By Jessica K., June 10, 2009 @ 10:38 am

P.S. I just went to your BMI calculator thinger and I am 0.6 points away from being obese. OBESE. Bull shit.

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By Erin Alberty, June 10, 2009 @ 11:00 am

Well, it is the CDC, home of the swine flu freak-out. I guess other calculators make adjustments for gender and age.

I LIKE the long-straw approach. I’ll bring the Tequila!

But what I would like best is for people to stop seeing normal, healthy bodies as flawed. And I really want dudes to stop criticizing other women. My favorite is guys who say they don’t want skinny girls, that we impose this pressure on ourselves, and then make comments about cellulite. The hell, people. I have cellulite. It’s normal. It’s not a flaw.

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By Gwen Jackson, June 10, 2009 @ 3:17 pm

Thanks for such a fabulous post. I’ve been writing a lot lately about the unfair way our culture (read: our people) criticize people for having normal bodies and normal appetites. As a former anorexic who was told constantly, at my sickest, how great I looked, I wholeheartedly agree that this bullshit needs to stop. Now.

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By Jeremy, June 11, 2009 @ 7:09 am

So what is the email address I should send my bikini pics to? ;-P

Beefy – but nimble!

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By Afzal Baig, September 15, 2009 @ 10:30 pm

How about you stop justifying your flabbiness and exercise, fatty.

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By Gregory, October 22, 2009 @ 10:48 am

First thing I thought when I saw that pic was “damn thats sexy!” Are you sure it’s only the guys the girls do this weight loss thing for, and not each other as well? I’m sorry, but I have overheard late teens and 20-something gals comparing and putting each other down about weight.

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By go eat a cake fatty, October 22, 2009 @ 9:57 pm

fattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyfattyv

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By crater ass, October 22, 2009 @ 11:34 pm

I love how everyone is blaming their anorexia on “guys” not their own shitty self image. Maybe daddy left because his baby girl was a fatty?

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