Dress me

Already I know this day will be bad.

This morning I was picking through my pile of semi-dirty clothes (i.e., my entire wardrobe), when I noticed all four pairs of jeans have ripped-up cuffs.

So I gotta buy new jeans. For the first time in two years.

I hate buying clothes. It starts out so optimistically. This will be the shopping trip where I figure it out, I’ll say. This time I’ll look like I belong in these clothes. This time I won’t feel like I’m playing dress-up.

And then I get to the store. Where everything looks stupid.

What’s with all the Wicked-Witch-of-the-West collars? Why does every dress have to form a bubble over my knees? Why is all the denim riddled with holes?

Whatever happened to simplicity?

Jeans are the worst. First, someone decided to start making them out of putty. They call it “stretch” denim, which is a guarantee that after three wearings they will not stay over my ass. Then they adorned the pockets with little-girl sparklies and rainbow crap. All the tidy jeans were relegated to the “women’s” section, where the waists hit me at the ribs and the hips make me look like a lion tamer.

I wish someone would start a service where I send them my measurements, or even naked pictures of myself, and they use digital imaging or whatever to figure out which clothing lines fit me. They can use their fashion sense to decide what is tasteful and age-appropriate and then send me the product codes.

Then maybe I can get back to not caring how I look.

This shirt makes me feel like a clown.

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The dude-ass

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Booo, looking "good", shopping | Erin Alberty | April 30, 2009 10:10 am

20 Comments

By Gwen, April 30, 2009 @ 10:53 am

Jeans ARE the worst. I feel your pain. I’m short so everything is too long. I’m…not skinny, and I feel like every piece of clothing is either designed for the super skinny or the super large. I never feel comfortable in anything. I like simple clothes too. Nothing too complicated. Just a cozy sweater and a pair of jeans, a button down and a pair of khakis. Sometimes the simplest thing is the hardest thing to find.

One of my dreams is to go on that show, “What Not To Wear”. Clinton and Stacey could denigrate my wardrobe and humiliate me and my horrible fashion sense. Then they could give me $5000 and take me on a shopping spree. They could help me find good quality clothing that actually fits and looks good on my body. Sigh. A girl can dream can’t she?

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By Dave Eilers, April 30, 2009 @ 11:12 am

http://intellifit.uniquescan.com/

A radio scan of your body is done and they use the information to make custom tailored jeans, pants, dresses, etc for you.

All you need to do is conveniently stop by Long Beach or nova scotia to get measured ($50) and then order jeans from them.

“You will be able to find custom made and custom fit items that will fit your price point. We offer the finest in custom affordable clothing. The retail price for jeans is $135-$145 plus shipping and handling. Custom designed dresses range in price from $199-$325.”

Yay for “affordability”!

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By rassles, April 30, 2009 @ 11:14 am

Fuck shopping, fuck clothing, fuck all the shoes, all the insane amounts of money that are required to keep people in fashion–fuck all of that.

I hate that so many clothes make me feel costumed instead of clothed.

Amen.

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By Garrett, April 30, 2009 @ 11:21 am

I would use that service. I always feel like a poser in anything more stylish than a ASU sweatshirt. (It took me seven years to decide I could pull off black plastic frames. And even longer on turtlenecks.)

When I saw “Dress me,” I was hoping this would be a Flash game where we could see what you look like as a pirate or a 20s gun moll. Can someone get working on that?

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By Sornie, April 30, 2009 @ 11:45 am

Frayed jean cuffs are a sign that the jeans are finally broken in.

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By heidikins, April 30, 2009 @ 12:08 pm

I’m all about Down East Outfitters for jeans.

And I opened a fashion magazine the other day and didn’t find a SINGLE PIECE in the entire tome that I would have been caught dead in. Fashion: Fail.

xox

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By SKM, April 30, 2009 @ 12:10 pm

At least you’re not plus size – I made peace with my double digit waist line and the bastards totally changed their numbering system. No, Plus Size Clothing People, I don’t feel skinnier wearing a size 8 jean – I just feel confused!

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By trouble, April 30, 2009 @ 12:18 pm

I’m a huge fan of the local goodwill as my primary source of jeans. I can buy whatever era of jeans I want for $5 a pair. Seriously, you can’t beat it. And if you rip out the seat by falling off a curb or something, you aren’t out $50. I fall down a lot, so this is a significant consideration for me.

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By stealthnerd, April 30, 2009 @ 1:54 pm

Ugh, I hate shopping. Well, that’s not true. I LOVE shopping, but I hate leaving every store empty-handed b/c this season’s trend makes me look like a freak. And if you’re petite? Forget buying pants. “Ankle” is code for flood pants and “regular” is code for “still 4 inches too long and will need to be hemmed.” So frustrating!

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By Sra, April 30, 2009 @ 3:01 pm

I’ve been marathoning What Not To Wear recently, and it has made me super (self-)conscious about my clothing. I have since thrown out half my clothes and still don’t feel like most of what I have left suits me much. I need to revamp the wardrobe for sure.

On the jeans thing, I find that Express jeans are generally flattering if you find the right cut for your body, and that means you have to try on, try on, try on. It’s exhausting.

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By Summer, April 30, 2009 @ 3:32 pm

I love to shop. My BF thinks I have a problem. I tell him it’s normal. My biggest complain/problem is finding pants long enough for me. I’m 6 ft tall and 5 of it is my legs. When I do find ones that are long enough they cost 3 times more than what I’d like. But still, I search. I’m always searching. Shoes on the other hand. I hate shoe shopping!

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By Dena, April 30, 2009 @ 8:01 pm

I am super skinny and short and have only recently graduated from the kids section to the big girls side of the store. It has come to my attention that you are either 5 feet tall and fat or 8 feet tall and skinny. Tall, fat people don’t exist. Nor do short, skinny people. And everyone looooooves plunging necklines – who cares if you don’t have boobs. Fuck clothes.

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By Megan, April 30, 2009 @ 9:24 pm

I always feel like a clown in ruffles. Yet I still by them.

See, I’ve been told it’s not as clown-like as I feel. But that doesn’t help me much. I’m kinda starting to wonder if white people and ruffles belong together.

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By Mom, April 30, 2009 @ 10:52 pm

Oh my beautiful lovely daughter…how I’d love to take you shopping. I could stand outside the dressing room, retrieve fresh sizes, fold and rehang the clothes, and take you out for a lovely lunch after our successful spree. Dreaming in Iowa.

As much as I hate shopping, your message made me cry!

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By trouble, May 1, 2009 @ 1:17 pm

Your mom is scaring me a little.

It’s OK! Mother-daughter shopping is a proud tradition in my family. Or at least it was until I came along.

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By citizen of the world, May 3, 2009 @ 12:11 pm

I only wear Levis, which limits my choices. And I can’t stand a waistband on my stomach. I wear hiphuggers, but I hate always worrying about my rear showing. THEN, I discovered Levis curvy cut jeans. They are constructed with a waist that is low across the hips in the front and higher in the back. Perfect. I just order them on-line.

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